Joe sat on the couch slowly swirling the mug of coffee in his hands.  He stared at the pale brown liquid, mesmerized by the whirlpool the motion of the cup created.  But the temporary distraction couldn’t stop the words from echoing in his head…

‘You never came, Frank… why didn’t you come?’

Abruptly, he stood up, sloshing some of the hot liquid onto his hand.

“Damn,” he muttered. Hurrying into the kitchen, Joe turned on the faucet and let the cool water run over his hand. 

‘This is insane. It’s crazy!’  Joe thought.  ‘How can I possibly be upset with Frank for breaking a promise he made when he was seven?  A promise it was impossible for him to keep?!’

“I am soooo sick of this,” he muttered to himself, shaking the water off his hand and reaching for a towel.  “When is it gonna end?”

“What did you say?”

Joe whirled around, surprised, and saw Vanessa staring at him. 

“Joe?”

She stepped closer, and Joe knew he would have to give her some kind of explanation.  After the dream had jarred him awake during the night, Joe had been so overwhelmed by the feelings that resurfaced he’d awakened Vanessa.  Thankfully, she asked no questions.  Seeing how upset he was, she simply put her arms around him, held him tightly and whispered soothing words of comfort until he calmed down enough to go back to sleep.

He shrugged and shook his head, dejectedly.  “I guess I just thought that after a year I’d be over everything, ya know?”

Vanessa reached out and touched his cheek, smiling sadly.  “Yeah, as a matter of fact I do know.  I know exactly what you mean.”

Joe stared at her, losing himself in the blue-grey eyes.  Silently he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Vanessa nestled herself against his chest.  Turning his head, Joe rested his cheek on her hair, reveling in the softness of it.  He would have given anything for Vanessa not to understand how he felt, yet at the same time he found immeasurable comfort in the fact that she did, with no explanation required.

“It’s been two days now,” Vanessa said, her voice muffled against his chest.  She moved her head slightly, but stayed close to him.  “You can’t go on like this, Joe.  You have to talk to someone… today.”

“I know.  I left a message with Linda’s answering service this morning.  Told them I really needed to see her today,” he replied, somehow sounding both relieved and anxious at the same time.

Vanessa pulled back a little, looked up at him and smiled.  “Good.  Just make sure you call me later, okay?”

“Okay.” Joe leaned down and gave her a lingering kiss goodbye.  “Have a good day.”

“You too,” she responded, squeezing his hand tightly.  “See you tonight.”

After Vanessa left, Joe called the office, telling Mrs. Gresham he had an appointment and wouldn’t be coming in today.  He then restlessly wandered around the apartment, waiting for a call back from his therapist.   Almost an hour later, the call came.  He spoke with Linda for a few minutes, who told him she had juggled some other appointments so she could see him that afternoon.  Hanging up the phone, Joe knew he couldn’t sit around all day, just waiting; he’d drive himself crazy.  Grabbing his gym bag from the front closet, he headed for the door, hoping to work off the anxiety that was starting to suffocate him.

*****

Frank stepped into the office, struck by the silence. Mrs. Gresham wasn’t at her usual spot in the reception area.  Stopping for a moment, he listened and heard the faint sound of voices coming from the hall to his left.

‘She must be in with Sam,’ he thought and turned right, making his way to his own office.

Turning on the lights, he absently noted that Joe wasn’t in yet, but wasn’t too surprised. It was a rare occasion that Joe made it in to work before he did.  Frank laid his briefcase down on the desk and opened it, taking out the paperwork he needed to complete the final report on the workers comp case he and Sam had wrapped up the day before.  He turned on his computer and, while it was loading the various programs, went to get himself a cup of coffee from the small kitchen area.

Returning to his office, he shut his briefcase and put it in its customary place on the floor behind his desk.  Turning towards the computer, he saw the little pink phone message carefully placed in the center of the desk.  Picking it up, he read the note from Mrs. Gresham and frowned.  Apparently Joe had called earlier and told her he wouldn’t be in today.

Frank reached for the phone.  Something was going on with his younger brother and he was determined to find out what it was.  He dialed both Joe’s home and cell phones and as he had the previous day, got nothing but Joe’s prerecorded message.  Frustrated, he hung up, slamming the phone a little harder than necessary. 

Drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair he debated whether or not to call Vanessa.  On the one hand, he didn’t want to ask her to betray a confidence if Joe had indeed confided in her.  Then again, he was tired of being ignored by his brother for no good reason – at least not one that he could see.  But it was the bottom line that convinced him; he was just plain worried about Joe.

Reaching forward, he picked up the phone and dialed Vanessa’s work number.  After being put through to her office and exchanging the requisite good mornings, he got right to the point.

“Van, do you know what’s up with Joe?”

“No,” she replied softly and he could hear the frustration in her voice.  “I know something’s bothering him and I tried to talk to him about it last night.”

“He wouldn’t talk to you either, huh?”

“Uh-uh.  And when I suggested he talk to you about it, he bit my head off.”

“Really?” Frank asked surprised.  All Joe’s family and friends had been the victim of his short fuse and quick temper at one time or another – all except Vanessa. 

“He apologized immediately. Said he wanted to talk to you but didn’t know exactly what was bothering him.”  Vanessa sounded unconvinced about Joe’s reasoning, and sounded even more worried as she continued.  “He had a dream last night.  Wouldn’t tell me what it was about, but it was a bad one.  I think it has something to do with Tilghman, though.”

“Did he say that?” Frank sat up anxiously, wondering if Jeff Cutter’s sudden reappearance had sparked this whole thing.

“Not in so many words.  But he alluded to the fact that he thought he’d be ‘over everything’ after a year,” Vanessa replied sadly.  “And he said he was going to see Linda today.  It’s been a while since he felt there was something so bad he had to go see her.”

Frank heard the concern in her voice and automatically tried to reassure her.  “If he’s going to see Linda, that’s a good thing, Van.  She can help him work out whatever’s bothering him.”

“I know but sometimes after he sees her he gets so…” she stopped, letting an uncomfortable silence hang between them.

“Depressed,” Frank finished for her.  “I know.  But it’s better he get everything out, even if it hurts in the short term.”

“Yeah, logically I know you’re right, but I just hate to see him like that,” Vanessa sighed.  “I told him to call me later.”

“Well, when you hear from him, will you give me a call?  I’ve left five messages for him between last night and this morning and he’s ignored every one of them,” Frank requested, trying not to sound defeated.

“I will.  Bye.”

“Bye, Van.”

*****

Linda watched as Joe Hardy paced the length of her office, nervous and agitated.  He was frustrated that he couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was bothering him, other than it had to do with his brother and a recurring dream.  Sensing Joe did know what the problem was and simply wasn’t ready to acknowledge it, she encouraged him to just jump in and start talking, assuring him they’d figure it out together.

He’d told her about the dream, which was really a recollection of the day his father had rescued him from the child porn ring that had abducted him.  She noticed immediately that he kept returning to the fact that Frank hadn’t been there to join in the rescue.  Then abruptly he dropped the subject of the dream and backtracked a few years to an incident that Linda sensed was the key to everything.

“I had my tonsils out when I was four.  Frank wanted to stay with me in the hospital but he wasn‘t allowed.  So he gave me Bear.”  Joe stopped and reddened. “Bear… he’s a stuffed bear,” he shrugged, embarrassed.

Linda smiled and nodded encouragingly.

Joe’s voice grew softer and his eyes took on a fond, faraway look.  “He said Bear would protect me since he wasn’t there to do it himself.  He said Bear would always protect me when he wasn’t around.”

Linda wasn’t sure if this stuffed bear still existed, but if it did, she knew it was a cherished and treasured possession. 

Joe stopped speaking and frowned.  Linda recognized the look – Joe was putting all the pieces together and didn’t like the answer he was getting.  He walked to the window and stared out, shifting his weight restlessly from one foot to the other. 

“I asked him what would happen if he wasn’t around and I didn’t have Bear with me.  What would happen if the monsters came and I was alone?  He said he’d always come back for me… always.  He promised.”  Joe stopped for a moment, struggling with some long ago memory.  When he spoke again, he’d jumped ahead several years, returning to the day he’d been rescued, but Linda had already figured out where this whole thing was headed.

“I waited and waited for him to come and get me,” Joe’s voice caught in his throat.  “But he didn’t.  He never came.”  Joe turned and stared at her; betrayal filled his eyes.  “He left me there… alone… he never came.”

“And you’re still angry about it; you’ve never forgiven him for that,” Linda pointed out.  “That’s where all these feelings are coming from.”

“What?!” Joe stared at her, open-mouthed, for a few seconds, then shook his head violently.  “That is nuts!  I am not mad at Frank!  I don’t blame him for anything!   You’re wrong; soooooo wrong.  There’s something else… there’s gotta be something else,” he practically begged.

“I’m sorry Joe, but I don’t think there is.  You’re remembering the feelings and emotions of a terrified six-year-old boy.  A little boy who thought the sun rose and set on his older brother.  A boy who trusted his brother implicitly to protect him from all the bad things in the world.  And he didn’t do that.”

“He couldn’t!” Joe shouted angrily. “He was just a kid himself!  No one in their right mind would have expected him to be able to help me!”

“A little brother who worshipped him would have.”

“This is crazy!”  Joe gestured wildly, waving his hands in the air, pacing the room like a tiger about to pounce.

“To us – as adults – yes it is.  But to you - as a frightened child who always turned to his brother for protection - it makes perfect sense.”

“But I’m not a frightened child anymore!  I’m an adult!” Joe stopped in front of her, his eyes pleading for an explanation.  Something he could understand and fix.  “So why do I still feel it now?” 

As Joe stared at her helplessly, Linda mentally reviewed their prior sessions, focusing on any of them in which Frank’s name had come up.  She recalled one session in particular when Joe had become extremely distraught.  It was shortly after he began seeing her and they had begun to discuss Frank’s betrayal, when he’d believed Joe committed murder.  Joe had been devastated at the accusation and worse, felt as if he’d never be able to trust his brother again.  Her eyes widened slightly as she made the connection. 

“Joe… you once told me about a conversation you had with your brother, almost a year ago.  Right after your fiancée was kidnapped?” Linda began, trying to jog his memory.

“We’ve had a lot of conversations,” Joe replied matter-of-factly.  “Which one are you talking about?”

“The one where he asked you if you still trusted him,” she said, waiting to gauge his reaction before continuing.

Joe took a deep breath and exhaled nervously.  “Yeah, I remember.  He wanted to know if I trusted him – the way I used to.  I didn’t… I couldn’t answer him.  It was too soon.”

“Didn’t you tell me Frank said he’d never mention it again?  That the next time the two of you discussed it, it would be because you brought it up?”

Joe swallowed hard and nodded.

“Did you ever have that talk?”

Joe chewed on his lip for a few seconds.  “I told you I gave him that ID bracelet for his birthday.  Frank knows I trust him.”

“But did you talk to him?  Did you tell him you trust him – the way you used to?”  Linda pressed.  She could tell by Joe’s response – or lack of it – that he’d never brought it up again; and whether he realized it or not, that was weighing heavily on him. “Joe?”

Abruptly he turned away, looking back out the window and avoiding Linda’s gaze.  “No,” he said quietly.  “We never talked about it again.”

“Maybe it’s time you did,” Linda advised him.  “And maybe it’s time you forgave him for not coming back for you all those years ago.”

Joe spun around, his eyes wide with disbelief.  “What does that have to do with what happened last year?  What does that have to do with any of this?”

“It has everything to do with what you’re feeling now.   He broke a promise to you-”

“He was just a kid!”  Joe yelled angrily.

“So were you.  And that perceived betrayal was devastating to you.  Even more so than what happened last year.  Which is why you’ve never remembered it.”  Linda spoke calmly, trying to make Joe understand she wasn’t attacking Frank.

“So why is it all coming back now?” Joe demanded.

“I’m not sure.  Something must have triggered it.  Something that reminded you of that weekend.”  She saw a flash of recognition on Joe’s face, and then just as quickly it was gone. ‘He knows what triggered it, but he doesn’t want to talk about it.’

“You need to talk to Frank about this.  Tell him you understand why he couldn’t keep that promise. If you don’t it’ll just continue to get worse and worse-”

“You honestly want me to go see Frank and tell him I forgive him for not saving me from Tilghman when he was seven years old?”  he cried out, incredulous.  “Yeah, sure, no problem,” Joe threw the words at her flippantly.  “No.  Uh-uh.  No way.”  He shook his head adamantly and returned to his spot in front of the window.  “He’ll think I really have lost it this time.  He’ll personally escort me back to the Campbell Center.”

Linda watched him silently.    The connection between the delayed reaction Joe was only now feeling and the fact that he could never bring himself to talk to Frank about the shattered trust between them was clear to her.  Now all she had to do was convince Joe.

‘Easier said than done,’ she frowned.   She had learned early on that Joe could be incredibly stubborn when he’d already made up his mind about something – or when he was too scared to face what the reality might be.

“Joe, you have to talk to him about this,” she said patiently.

“I know that,” Joe retorted sarcastically.  “I’d just rather not sound like a babbling idiot when I do!”  He whirled around again, agitated.  “I cannot go to him and tell him that I’m magnanimously forgiving him for not coming to my rescue seventeen years ago and oh, by the way, that’s why I’ve never been able to say ‘I trust you’ out loud.  He’ll think I’m certifiable.”

Linda realized the direct approach wasn’t working.  Joe obviously understood what she was saying but for some reason wasn’t willing to relate his feelings to his brother.

‘His brother… whom he still looks up to… still wants to make proud…’  Suddenly it all clicked.  Joe didn’t want to look like a fool in front of the brother whose opinion meant so much to him. 

“You know,” Linda began, hoping her new strategy would work, “I’ve never met your brother, but from what you’ve told me, it sounds like he cares about you – very, very much.”

“He does,” Joe agreed, the hint of a smile on his face.

“You’re obviously very close.  You’ve been able to talk to him about things you didn’t even feel comfortable telling me,” she continued.  “Things he’s been able to help you with.”

Joe nodded and shrugged, apparently a little embarrassed at admitting there were things he didn’t feel he could confide in her.

“In fact, you’ve been pretty close your whole lives, haven’t you?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“And he’s always respected your thoughts – your feelings?   Never made light of them, no matter how strange they may have seemed to you at the time?”

“Never!” Joe shook his head emphatically.

She leaned forward slightly, staring at Joe, making sure she had his full attention.  “So what makes you think he’ll start now?”

After a long silence, Joe replied with one word.  “Me.”

“Excuse me?” Linda sat back, honestly confused.

“I get it, okay?  I understand what you’re saying.   But what if I can’t explain it in a way that he gets it?  What if it doesn’t make sense to him?  What if I totally screw up and he thinks I’m saying I’ll never forgive him?  Or I’ll never trust him like that again?”  Joe threw out his fears, already sounding defeated.  “I have a tendency to go off in ten different directions, ya know.”

“Yes, I know,” Linda smiled wryly.  “And I’m sure your brother is used to that by now.  But you usually manage to get your point across eventually.”

“But what if I can’t this time?  What if-”

Linda held up a hand bringing a quick halt to all of Joe’s ‘what ifs’.  They could go around and around, playing ‘what if’ forever and in the end, it was just Joe’s way of stalling, trying to put off the inevitable as long as he could.

“What if you give Frank a little more credit.  Joe, your brother is intelligent, he’s understanding and most of all he cares about you.”  She stood up, indicating their session was over, knowing it would force Joe to do what he was trying so hard to avoid. 

“But-”

“Joe, you’re stalling,” Linda said patiently, but firmly.  “You know what the problem is now and you know what you need to do to fix it. Isn’t that what you came here to figure out?” She smiled at him encouragingly.  “Go talk to your brother. He’ll ‘get it’.”

Joe stood and sighed.  He cast one last doubtful glance at her, and then left.  Returning to her desk, Linda shook her head and sat down.  Making a few notations in Joe’s chart, she wondered why he always seemed to make things so much harder for himself than they needed to be.