“It’s healing very nicely,” the doctor smiled at Fenton, making a few notations on his chart as a nurse re-bandaged the wound.  “If it looks this good tomorrow I can go ahead and release you.  I’d prefer you didn’t fly for a few more days, though.”

“I’ll be happy just to get out of here,” Fenton grinned at the physician who had removed the bullet from his leg.  “Not that I don’t appreciate everything you did for me.”

“I understand completely,” he replied, replacing the chart on a hook at the foot of the bed.  “I’ll be back in the morning,” he said as he walked out the door.

Just as the nurse finished, there was a tentative knock on the door.  Fenton assumed it was Laura, who’d gone for a walk when the doctor arrived.

“Come on in, we’re all done,” the nurse called out.

Fenton looked up, expecting to see his wife.  He was shocked to see Jeff Cutter standing nervously just inside the door.  “Can I talk to you for a minute?” 

Fenton nodded mutely.

“I-I wanted to thank you.  For finding Kevin.  You were our last hope.  If you hadn’t agreed to look for him God knows what would have happened. He could’ve ended up dead and we never would have known.  Thank you seems so insignificant under the circumstances,” Jeff shrugged, his voice trailing off.

“I’m glad everything turned out okay,” Fenton replied.  “Kevin and I got to know each other a little bit.  He’s a fine young man.”

“Yes, he is,” Jeff agreed.  “In spite of me.”  There was an awkward silence and Jeff almost turned to leave, but then stopped.  “I know this is the last thing you want to hear, to have me bring this up again, but I have to….I’m sorry, Fenton,” Jeff said, anguish in his eyes. “About Joe, about…everything.”

Fenton could almost see the crushing weight of guilt Jeff carried; guilt that had grown progressively heavier over the years.  And he was confused at the emotions he was feeling.  He still felt a sense of anger, but it was dimmer now, and it was mixing with his own feelings of guilt - and pity. 

Feeling almost as if he were watching from outside his own body, Fenton slowly extended his hand.  Jeff’s eyes grew huge and for a moment he didn’t move. Then he reached out, grasped Fenton’s hand and shook firmly.  For the first time ever, Fenton uttered the words Jeff needed to hear.

“I know you are.”  For the first time Fenton was really seeing the years of guilt etched on his brother-in-law’s face.  He recalled what Kevin had said about him not being responsible for Jeff and Carole’s downward spiral after the Cutters had moved to Arizona.  He also thought about Joe’s comments earlier that afternoon with regard to placing blame, and heard a soft voice in the back of his mind…

‘Hypocrite.’

How could he hold Jeff completely and solely responsible for what had happened to Joe without taking the blame for Kevin and Kelly’s miserable childhood on himself?  Oh, he wasn’t responsible for the choices Jeff made in his life, but wasn’t he the catalyst for them?  Hadn’t he and Laura caused Jeff and Carole to turn to alcohol and drugs by not letting them know Joe was growing up with no memory of that weekend? 

Hard as it was, he acknowledged the reality he’d been fighting for the past few days and laid it out for the one person who needed to hear it the most.  “Jeff…I know the only thing you’re guilty of is taking your eyes off Joe.  I’m not going to lie – I’m still not sure I can ever really forgive that, but…that’s the only thing I can hold you responsible for.  And it’s the only thing you should hold yourself responsible for.  The rest of it,” Fenton swallowed hard, forcing the words out, “wasn’t your fault.”  

As Jeff stared at him in utter disbelief, Fenton swore he could see the weight starting to lift from Jeff’s shoulders.  Apparently sensing what it took for Fenton to admit that revelation, Jeff didn’t give a direct response.  He nodded, almost gratefully, and changed the subject.

“I saw Frank and Joe in the waiting room last night.  It’s obvious how close they are, how much they care about each other,” Jeff observed, sounding wistful.  “You and Laura did a wonderful job raising them.”

“Thank you.  If anyone asked what the one thing is that I’d want to be remembered for after I died, it would be my sons.  Sometimes I don’t even know if I have the right to take credit for the way they’ve turned out, but I couldn’t be more proud of them.”

“Oh, you’re due credit.  Maybe if I’d been even one-tenth of the father you were…” Jeff’s voice trailed off.  “Too late now,” he shrugged, his voice quavering slightly.

Fenton thought back over his sons’ lives and realized he’d done just as much parenting after they became adults as he had when they were children.  Yet given the mistakes he’d made, especially with Joe in the past year, and the exceptionally close relationship he had with both his sons, he knew something Jeff didn’t…

“It’s never too late, Jeff,” he said quietly.  “When I think back over all the mistakes I made, especially lately…” he shook his head.  “As long as every decision you make is from the heart and made out of love, with your children’s best interests in mind – well, even if you’re wrong they’ll still know, above all else, that you love them.”

Jeff studied him for a moment.  “You really believe that, don’t you?”

“I know it,” Fenton replied with absolute conviction.  “You might be a little late,” Fenton found himself encouraging the brother-in-law he’d hated for so long and was only now starting to see as a human being with feelings and flaws and a good heart, “but when it comes to your children, you’re never too late.  Make them your priority and just…love them.”

Jeff stood up, nodding.  He smiled then, a genuine smile, and extended his hand.  “Goodbye, Fenton.”

Fenton grasped his hand tightly and held his gaze for a moment.  “Goodbye, Jeff.”

*****

Laura glanced at her watch.  She was sure the doctor was finished by now and Fenton was probably getting antsy.  Unbeknownst to almost everyone but her, Fenton was even worse than Joe when it came to hospitals.  If not for the fact that he was trying to set an example for their younger son, Fenton would have fought tooth and nail against it whenever it was recommended he be hospitalized.   With a final look out the window of the sunroom, Laura turned to leave – and stopped in her tracks.  Carole was standing there, staring at her.  Absently Laura wondered how long Carole had been there, silently watching.

“I’m sorry, Laurie,” Carole said softly.  Laura’s heart constricted slightly at the nickname Carole had always used when they were children.  “I didn’t mean to disturb you.  I’ll leave.”

Despite the offer, Carole made no move do so.  Laura, neither agreeing or disagreeing with her sister’s proposal, suddenly found herself lost in a tumble of emotions and memories.  She recalled her first day of school as Carole confidently gave her a tour of the building, pointing out the cafeteria, the nurse’s office and the playground where they’d meet up at recess. 

Laura remembered the first time their parents let the girls explore the city on their own, and how Carole patiently explained the New York City subway and bus systems to her very intimidated younger sister.  She thought about her first big school dance and the way Carole was almost more excited about it than she was, spending hours helping Laura pick out a dress and doing her hair and makeup… her first date, which ended in her first kiss, and how she couldn’t wait to get home and share every last detail with her older sister.

“Do you remember Lonnie Alverson?” Laura asked abruptly.

Carole looked shocked and then laughed softly, not even having to think about it. “How could I forget?  You had a crush on him a mile wide.  He was your first boyfriend and you were convinced he was your one true love.  ‘Lonnie and Laura…’,“ Carole mimicked her younger sister’s voice from the past, “ ‘Have you ever heard two names that sounded more perfect together?’ ” she said, trying to recapture the dreamy, breathless quality Laura always had when she spoke about the quiet, soft-spoken boy.  “After your second date, you were already planning a wedding, decided you wanted to live in a big house on Long Island and had the names of your children all picked out,” Carole smiled, her eyes sparkling. “What were they again?”

“Chad and David for the boys.  The girls were Jessica and…Carole,” Laura finished.  Slowly she sat down in one of the leather chairs.  Carole hesitated briefly, then sat down next to her.

“Your taste in men certainly changed,” Carole teased.  “I mean Lonnie was kind of a…”

“Geek?” Laura laughed.

“Well, he was a far cry from a New York City cop turned private investigator extraordinaire,” Carole replied.  “I wonder whatever happened to Lonnie.”

“He’s an antiques dealer; has a gallery in SoHo,” Laura’s eyes twinkled mischievously, “and he’s gay.”

”What?!” Carole cried out, momentarily stunned.  “Well,” she chuckled, “I guess that explains why he never tried to get past first base with you.”

“I wonder if Daddy knew,” Laura mused.  “Lonnie was just about the only boy I went out with that Daddy really liked!”

“Daddy didn’t like the idea of any man taking his baby girl away from him.”

“Especially Fenton,” Laura said, her eyes clouding over.  She stared at Carole intently.  “You know I don’t remember…did I ever thank you?”

“For what?” Carole asked, puzzled.

“You stuck up for me when Mommy and Daddy insisted they didn’t want me to marry a cop,” Laura reminded her.  “At one point they even said if we went ahead and got married, we’d have to pay for our own wedding.  They did everything in the world to try and dissuade me from marrying Fenton.”

“It wasn’t Fenton they didn’t approve of, Laurie, it was the fact that he was a New York City cop.  They were afraid you’d be a widow before your thirtieth birthday.”

“But you helped change their minds,” Laura said, her eyes misty.

“What you and Fenton had – have – was the real thing,” Carole shrugged.  “Any idiot could see that.”

A silence fell over the sisters, not quite comfortable but not really awkward either.  It was several minutes before Carole broke it, her voice tentative.

“Laura…I don’t know if you had anything to do with Fenton agreeing to find Kevin, but if you did…thank you.  He was our last hope.  No one believed there was anything suspicious about Kevin’s disappearance.  If Fenton hadn’t agreed to help us, I would have lost my son.” Carole stopped then, hesitating.  She seemed unsure if she should continue but then suddenly plunged ahead. 

“When Joe was kidnapped, I honestly thought I knew what you were going through.  I was sure I understood.  I’m so ashamed for thinking I had even the remotest idea of what you were feeling.”  Carole reached up and brushed a tear from her eye.  “Kevin was an adult, he could at least defend himself if need be, and even knowing that I was a complete wreck.  Joe…he was just a little boy….Still a baby, really…helpless…totally dependent on adults….Oh Laurie, I am so, so sorry,” Carole blurted out, her voice breaking.  “I know you hate me for what I did.  I hate myself!” Suddenly the dam broke and Carole began to cry.  “I-I lost my sister that day.  I’d give up everything I had – everything – if I could just take it all back.”  Burying her face in her hands, Carole sobbed.

Watching her sister weep uncontrollably, it hit Laura all at once - Carole did give up everything.  Certainly not voluntarily, but in the end she almost lost it all – her husband, her home, her children – and got nothing back.  Nothing but overpowering depression, a crippling drug dependency and paralyzing guilt.  Guilt that would be with her until the day she died.  Carole paid; her husband paid; her children paid….Yet Laura now understood no matter how much Carole paid it would never be enough to assuage her guilt.  Finally, Laura had a glimmer of understanding of the hell her sister’s life had become.

Reaching out, Laura rubbed Carole’s back comfortingly.  “I know you would,” she whispered.

Carole looked up, her eyes huge almost as if she was unsure of what she was hearing.  While she would never consider asking Laura to forgive her, she had always wanted Laura to know that she understood and acknowledged the mistake she made; that she fully accepted the responsibility and the blame that went with it.

In that instant, Laura realized that no matter what she said or what happened from this point on, Carole would pay for that one moment of lapsed attention for the rest of her life.

“I – I better get back to Fenton,” Laura said, abruptly standing up.  Feelings and emotions that she had buried so long ago had suddenly reawakened, but she wasn’t quite sure she was ready for them.  As she got up to leave, Carole’s voice stopped her.

“Laurie?  Do you think maybe we could talk sometime?”

Laura flashed back on the marathon phone calls she used to have with her sister when Frank and Joe were just toddlers. They would talk for hours on end about their husbands, their children, their own happy childhood.  She was overcome with a sense of nostalgia, feeling happy and immensely sad at the same time.  “I think that might be all right – sometime.”

Laura walked away, tears in her eyes.  They had all carried such intense sorrow for so many years now.  She wondered how much easier that burden would have been to bear if, instead of hating each other and the grief that had torn them apart, they’d only they’d shared it.

Stepping onto the elevator, she turned around and saw Carole staring at her, a sad smile on her face.  Laura felt herself smile in return as a thought planted itself in the back of her mind – was it too late to share the sorrow of the last eighteen years?  To admit her role in it?  To maybe find a new beginning? 

“Laurie?  Do you think maybe we could talk sometime?”

As the doors slid closed, Laura wondered what Frank had done with the boxes he’d taken from the attic….She wondered how long she and Fenton would be in Phoenix before he was cleared to return home….She wondered if she might have some time….

THE END