He smiled softly, letting the ocean breeze come through the open patio doors. He appreciated each moment, since he had come so close to losing everything. Even now, the physical pain, as bad as it was, was nothing compared to the nightmares that he kept having. He wondered if Callie was having them, too. Callie.

With a groan, Joe covered his eyes and rubbed them, slowly, trying to make sense of everything. He was so frustrated! Joe paused for a moment to say a quick prayer of thanks that he didn’t remember what had happened to him; Callie’s recollections and the very few, vague things that he did remember, right before he and Callie were actually taken, were by far horrific enough. Still, it was terrifying to not know what had happened, especially… well, especially with Callie.

What had she been talking about? When he had been lying in the hospital, in and out of a fog of pain, he had heard her words, and to this day, they still made no sense. She had kissed him? WHY, why on earth would she do that? AND her shirt was ripped, and his was off, and there was a … a video of it all?! The very thought of it turned his stomach and he held back tears.

"No," he whispered out loud. "Nothing went on." He hoped beyond anything he was right. All he had were her words, Callie’s telling him what had happened, but he knew, instinctively, that nothing could have gone on. He loved Callie, but she was like a sister to him, teasing and arguing with him over the years, while also bailing him out and covering for him, much like Frank did. He had gone to protect her, like his big brother would have done. But then why?! Why would she admit it happened? Why would she look so devastated… heartbroken… that I don’t remember?! Joe took a shaky breath but the questions kept coming back to him. With a shudder, he realized he didn’t even want to speculate to guess what could have made him and Callie…do the unthinkable. Drugs?! Was she hurt? Were they FORCED to? Worse yet, he thought as the color drained from his face, had they WANTED to? He felt totally sick at the very notion.

"Uh!" Joe grunted, and slammed his hand on the dresser next to the bed. The details still weren’t coming back to him- the how’s and the why’s-and he didn’t know when or if they would. He felt incredibly drained and frustrated.

"Damn them!" he continued, talking out loud to no one. "Damn them for what they did to me, and for making Vanessa suffer! Damn them for hurting Callie, and for making Frank worry! An DAMN THEM if they made… or watched… or had me and Callie…." He held back tears again, and realized he couldn’t go on. It was hard to be happy for everyone else sometimes. He knew he had to be; if he fell apart, he knew Vanessa certainly would, and probably Frank and Callie would, too.

Vanessa entered the room, having just come back from getting some food for them. Startled, she ran to Joe, and took his hand. "Honey? Are you all right?" she asked. "I heard shouting. Are you in pain?"

Joe took a moment to look into her eyes, and then gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. He was struck again, by how much he loved her. In her eyes, he saw her concern, fear, and overwhelming love for him there, and wondered again how he had ever gotten so lucky. God, if something HAD happened with Callie, how would he tell her?! He gave her a small smile. "I’m fine, baby," he replied. "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you." When he saw her doubtful gaze, he continued. "Sometimes I talk to myself," he joked. "At least I know someone will listen to me!"

Vanessa smiled at last, and rolled her eyes. "As long as you’re okay," she said, and hugged him gently, trying not to hurt him. She met his eyes, knowing he was hiding something, and climbed next to him on their bed where Joe was sitting, pillows propped behind his back. Joe reached over and pulled her to him, gently stroking her hair, and they sat together in contented silence for a few minutes before Vanessa finally spoke again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked him, turning to meet his eyes.

Joe smiled at her. "I don’t know," he said quietly. He didn’t want to worry her, but he DID want to figure out what was happening.

"Try," she said, encouragingly.

"Well," Joe sighed, shifting over and trying to hide the pain, "I… I just wish I could remember everything that happened to me- in detail. What I do remember…" his voice trailed off. He hadn’t realized it would be this difficult to talk about.

Vanessa gave him a gentle squeeze. "Baby, everything that you need to know will come back to you. You can’t expect miracles—the doctors warned you this might happen. You’ve had a terrible concussion, among other things." She swallowed hard. "You don’t need to know everything. The nightmares that you’re having are bad enough as they are. Poor Callie. I’m sure she remembers it all. Have you talked to her?"

Joe tensed up, not sure of how to answer that. There was no way he’d confide to anyone about the doubts he’d been having about what had happened between him and Callie, or that Callie might … have a thing for him? He shuddered involuntarily at the thought, and felt Vanessa hold him tighter. No way, he immediately reprimanded himself. But, the doubts lingered despite his attempts to thwart them. He’d never touch Callie- she’d never touch him. At least …at least that’s what I think… and DID know, until this whole ordeal… He stared straight ahead, lost in thought before noticing Vanessa again staring at him.

"It’s okay," he said, hugging Vanessa tightly. "Ow," he moaned as soon as he did it.

"W… what?" Vanessa asked, confused. "You talked to Callie? Huh?"

Joe kissed her, and then weakly stood up, getting his bearings. "No, Van," he said, looking down at her. "I mean, I did talk to Callie, but nothing was really cleared up .I should see her again, though, I guess. I need to see if she can…jog my memory?" Even as he said the words, he found himself hating the fact that he couldn’t remember and dreading the possibility that he would.

Vanessa stood next to him. "But Joe! You’re too weak! I can get her!"

"Nah," he said with a wink. "I’ll make it. Besides, I have to get back to the land of the normal soon, anyway."

Vanessa finally laughed. "You’ve never been there before!" she quipped, joking.

"Ha ha," Joe said dryly with a smile. "Seriously, I’ll go see Callie. Wait here. Maybe Frank will help you set up lunch or something. I’ll send him in. I just… need to see Callie for a few minutes, that’s all."

"Okay," Vanessa agreed with a nod. "Just be careful."

"As always," Joe replied with a wink.

Joe walked to Frank and Callie’s room and knocked on the door. It only took a minute before Frank opened it.

"Hey, big brother!" Joe said with a smile.

"Hi," Frank responded. "How’re you feeling?"

Joe studied Frank’s expression for a minute before answering. He looked odd, somehow, and he had been acting strangely as well. He could have sworn that Frank looked like he wanted to hug him tightly, but was restraining himself for some reason. "Um, I’m doing okay," he replied at last. He decided to take the initiative and find out what was on his brother’s mind.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

"Yeah- of course," Frank replied. As Frank ushered Joe inside, he couldn’t help but to notice how pale he was. Typical Joe, he thought, sadly. Acting as if everything is okay. He was so incredibly happy and relieved that Joe was going to be okay, and he kept fighting himself, as he had been for days, to push the terrible thoughts out of his mind about Joe and Callie. It just- it couldn’t have happened.

Joe sat down on the bed and looked around the impeccably neat room with a grin, deciding to focus on the present and what he could control, and not the past. Still, as he looked at his brother, he felt an overwhelming sadness. Please…I’d never hurt him… ever. Don’t let it be true. "Where’s Callie?’ he asked.

Frank stiffened a little bit. "She, uh… she’s down by the pool, I think." He didn’t tell Joe that Callie had barely left his side for a moment, or about the horrible nightmares she had been having. Although she didn’t tell him what they were about, he could only imagine. She was just so terrified, it seemed, to be alone, and that was okay with him- he didn’t want to leave her side, anyway. But, seeing her in pain and scared was getting difficult to deal with. He wanted so badly to help her, but he had no idea how.

And… he wanted to help himself and to cure his lingering, awful doubts. He again, though, didn’t know how.

Joe saw the hesitation in his brother’s face, and decided to ask him. "Frank?"

"Hmmm?" Frank said, sitting next to him.

"What’s the matter, big brother? You seem kind of upset lately."

Frank looked at Joe and sighed. "Do I?" Then, he went on. "You should be worrying about yourself, not me."

Joe laughed. "I know, but I seem to be dealing with this better than you!" His tone turned serious. "Come on, Frank. What’s the matter? I’ll be okay. Is it Callie? Is she okay?"

Frank felt tears come to his eyes, and he had to turn away. What could he say? What could he do? Suddenly, he felt Joe’s hand on his shoulder, and he turned around hoping he had been able to hold back the tears from Joe’s sight. Joe tried not to look as startled as he felt at Frank’s reaction. Okay- so it was Callie. But why was Frank acting strangely to him? He had no idea.

Ignoring the ache in his shoulder and the searing pains through his side, Joe reached out to his brother and gave him a hug. "Whatever it is, it’ll be okay," Joe said gently to Frank as he hugged him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Frank was surprised and overwhelmed by Joe’s reaction, and he hugged him back tightly. There Joe was, so sick and hurting, and thinking about him. He wished he could be like Joe at that moment, as he so often had in the past. After a minute, he pulled back from Joe and wiped away the tears that had started to slip down his cheeks in spite of himself. He just couldn’t be the strong one any more… at least for a little while.

Joe wasn’t used to seeing his brother cry, and didn’t know how to help him. He had been so pre-occupied with his own concerns he hadn’t realized how upset Frank had really been about… whatever… until now. Still, he knew he’d stay with Frank until he was calmer.

"Sorry," Frank muttered.

"Don’t be," Joe replied, seriously.

"You’re okay," Frank said softly with a small smile.

"I love you, too," Joe said, rolling his eyes. He never understood why Frank was so reserved with his feelings, especially when things really needed to be said. "Now do you want to tell me what’s the matter?"

Frank looked at Joe, not sure of what he could say. He decided to just ask him a question. "Joe," Frank said, slowly, "if… if something happened, that I should know about, you’d tell me, right? I mean, you’d never lie to me about anything important, would you?" He desperately wanted to know the truth, but he was dreading it all the same.

Joe was puzzled. "No, I don’t think so," he replied. Finally, Joe decided to be straightforward. "What do you want to know, Frank? What are you asking me? Please. Let’s just end the speculation about… whatever. I’d like you back to normal… well, as close to normal as you can get," he added as a joke to break the tension.

Frank froze. This was it. THIS was the moment where it would all come out. He’d have to ask the dreaded question. Joe would either tell the truth or he wouldn’t. If he lied about the... kiss… he’d be lying about the video, about everything else. He felt sick.

"Frank!" Joe said, startled. "Tell me!" He was shocked at the look on his brother’s face. Frank was pale and, if he wasn’t mistaken, trembling slightly. What on earth could be that bad?

Frank looked at him, but he knew he couldn’t say the words. At last, he spoke. "Joe. Did you tell me everything that happened when you were with Nash and Jenkins?" He hated to bring forth the painful memories, but he needed to know.

Joe froze, and felt his own face pale. "I told you what I remembered," he said slowly, not sure of where this was going. Which isn’t much, he added silently to himself.

"Everything, Joe? Did you tell me everything?" Frank looked absolutely desperate.

Joe didn’t know how to respond. There was no way Frank knew about what had happened with him and Callie, was there? Joe barely remembered it himself. In fact, if truth be told, he remembered absolutely nothing about it. But he couldn’t… wouldn’t… allow Callie to even mention it to his brother, as he hadn’t told Vanessa. Even though he felt in his heart that it couldn’t have happened, he knew Frank would be crushed, absolutely devastated, if it was true. It WAS devastating, anyway. But then, Callie HAD told Frank about the video… but she had told him it was a fake, right? Didn’t she say Frank wasn’t even going to watch it? Oh, God. If it’s not a fake… please don’t watch it. He tried to convince himself that Callie wouldn’t lie, but nothing made much sense. Maybe… maybe that was what Frank was referring to. Then, he knew what to do. He’d have to tell Frank that there were things he didn’t need to know, because obviously what had happened was horrific anyway. Besides, if he told Frank he couldn’t remember, would Frank even believe him? Would that comfort him in any way?

Frank took Joe’s silence as the answer he dreaded, and he felt dizzy. He struggled to breathe. At last, he heard Joe’s voice.

"Frank," he said, quietly. "There are things you don’t need to know. You have to trust me on this one, okay? You need to know that I know I did whatever I had to do to protect Callie. Those guys were horrible, Frank. Hell is too good for them." God, how would he SAY this?

He looked at his brother, who was hanging on to every word. He took a deep breath, struggling with his own tears as the thought of what might have happened came back to him. "Frank," he continued, "if I told you what really went on, in detail, both psychologically and physically, you’d be haunted with the same nightmares that I have. I’d never wish that on you." He hadn’t planned on telling Frank about his own restless nights, but now there was no way to avoid it. He also couldn’t tell Frank that his nightmares came often, but they were so fuzzy- faces, places, constant pain- he couldn’t see anything concretely.

Frank felt his heart stop. Nightmares. Callie. Things untold. Joe just admitted to him that he couldn’t say the whole truth! If only he knew that Frank had those horrific imaginings all the time, during the day. If only he knew that, as he held Callie in his arms at night trying to comfort her from her own demons, he wanted to push her away almost as much as he wanted to pull her to him. He wanted to scream at his brother, ask him WHY, what could have been so bad as to make them do the unimaginable? What was worse than that?

Or, worse yet, what if they weren’t forced to do anything? What if, when faced with torture, they had thought they were going to die, and tried to take comfort in each other’s arms? Would they do that?! Oh, God. Was that what was on the tape, but Callie couldn’t admit to it? "No," he whispered.

Joe watched Frank begin to unravel and was so sorry he had even come in here. Maybe it would have been better for Frank to think he knew everything. Joe had always been honest with his brother, and even now he was trying to be. But he didn’t see why he should hurt Frank when he didn’t know, himself, what had gone on.

Joe knew he had to get Callie, right away. He had to tell her what he had told Frank which, he realized, was really nothing. Yet—Joe knew it was everything, since Frank loved both Callie and him so much. He also knew that Callie was the one person who could calm Frank, get through to him when he was in pain. Still, he thought, I can’t let her tell him about the kiss… or her ideas about what happened…that, he knew, would push Frank over the edge.

"I’m going to go get Callie, now," he said to his brother, who was sitting immobile, almost looking like he was in shock. "I’m sorry, Frank. Try not to let your imagination get the best of you. I’m here. Callie’s here. We’re safe. That’s all that matters. It’s one thing I never wanted to share with Callie, but it happened, and it’s done." Joe couldn’t believe how terrible Frank looked, and he knew it was because he was consumed with worry. He headed for the door, eager to get Callie. "Hey Frank?"

Frank managed to look up, feeling surreal, not quite sure he could handle living through this moment, if it was really happening at all.

"I love you. Don’t forget that. We’re going to move on from here."

"How?" Frank heard himself say, although he couldn’t remember forming the word to speak it.

"Because we HAVE to, that’s why," Joe finished, trying to be supportive. "You’re stuck with me… and Callie… for the rest of your life, so get used to it," he said with a smile. "We’re OKAY. And we’re not going anywhere." He paused, and made sure Frank heard his next words. As terrible as seeing Frank like this was, he was really touched that his brother loved him so much, and he could see it every once in a while, at times like this.

"Thanks for caring so much. Callie and I are really blessed to have you. You… you’re okay," he finished with a wink, mirroring Frank’s earlier statement. He closed the door behind him.

Frank paused a moment and then, robotically, without feeling or thinking, he walked to the closet where he had put the video, intending to throw it out, days earlier. He turned the power switch to "on" and watched as the television and VCR came to life. He popped the tape in, and then turned around, knowing he had to sit.

As Frank watched the first images splash across the screen, and heard sounds emanating from them, he wondered, truly, if this was what it felt like to die…