This sucks.

For Chrissakes, he’s only going away for a week. He’s only my brother. It’s not like we are married or anything. He’s not my girlfriend.

Uh-Oh! Wrong train of thought there, kiddo!

I did have a girlfriend. Her name was Iola. I suppose I did like her a bit, well quite a lot actually.

O.K. Come clean, kiddo.

I loved her. I love her. So very much.

Me and Iola were good together. It took me a while to realise it but Iola was my soul mate, if such things exist. We were serious. REALLY serious if you know what I mean. We had done IT. A couple of times. Down by the little creek near her farmhouse. I went there today because that was our happy place and I know she comes back there. She knows when I need her. She came today. We laid next to each other in the cool shade. I felt her kiss my neck as I draped my arm over her stomach, smelling the fragrance of her pink grapefruit shower gel, her fingers brushing my hair, touching my lips.

Whispering secrets.

I really would have married her someday. I know Iola felt the same. I used to catch her doing drawings of wedding dresses when we were supposed to be doing our art homework.

But we weren’t to be allowed a future.

She died.

Age 17.

Age 17 I had to look at her coffin in that chapel. Sit and listen to those haunting words, those shattered hopes and dreams of all who knew her. Her family silently crying their goodbyes. I had tried to hide at the back of the chapel, to be invisible, alone. A shadow  flitted over me and I knew Frank had slid into the pew next to me. I could hear him softly crying but as I chewed my fingernails, watching the dancing patterns streaming through the stained glass windows, I had felt him gently take my hand in his.

And it had been then that I’d realised he was the only one who could quiet the thundering pain inside.

I held on to his hand tightly. I hadn’t wanted to let go.

                               * * * * *

Yes, she died.

Two weeks ago.

Blown up by a car bomb. A car bomb meant for us.

I really had tried to save her but he wouldn’t let me. He’d knocked me out and when I woke up, she had gone. Turned to ash and dust. She had left me.

Forever.