HDA - Living in Darkness Trilogy - Pt 2 - The Search

“I’m not ready for this,” Joe muttered as he sat down on the sofa inside of Doctor Kalana Morgan’s eclectic psychiatric office. He closed his eyes to avoid, for the moment, looking up at Doctor Morgan and he willed his nerves to calm. Nobody forced him to come here. Beyond Frank’s suggestion that he talk to a professional, nobody bugged him about it, choosing to let him make the choice for himself.

Mentally, Joe thanked his brother again for having the insight to mention seeing a doctor and for not pushing the issue. Despite recovering from knee surgery and looking forward to his eye surgery, Frank found the time to help Joe as much as Joe needed. Late night talks sometimes led to both brothers getting little sleep at night but Joe knew he needed more.

He needed to resolve, or at least talk about, some issues he was pretty sure Doctor Morgan could help with. She had always had amazing insight before, when he was younger and he saw her on a regular basis. He was grateful, as well, that she agreed to see him, despite the fact he was a little over her normal age group. He couldn’t even begin to describe what happened earlier in his life to another doctor, things Doctor Morgan knew already.

It was impossible, really, to separate both events.

“You okay, Joe? Would you like something to drink?” Doctor Morgan had a large cup of coffee on her desk and Joe nodded. He gratefully accepted a similar cup and sipped at it, the bitter taste waking him up a bit. He’d had another nightmare the night before, one where he had been running – and running. No matter how fast he ran or far he ran, Andrew dogged him, closing in to grab him, until he woke up screaming, waking practically everyone in the house.

“Thanks,” Joe said to Doctor Morgan. “This is good.”

Doctor Morgan smiled, green eyes amused as she settled into a large, upholstered seat next to the couch. She took a sip of her coffee and set the cup down on a small table beside her chair, leaned back and looked at him.

“So you said you needed to talk?” Doctor Morgan said. “And you needed help?”

Joe swallowed and wondered again if this was a huge mistake. He didn’t have it in him to through with this. He eyed the door and wondered if he could get out before she said anything, but he sighed.

I have to do this, he thought. I have to.

“I was kidnapped by my cousin,” Joe said softly. It’s as good a beginning as any. I can’t think of anything else to say at the moment.

Doctor Morgan leaned forward and nodded, hands clasped on her lap as she paid ardent attention to the young man. Joe watched her for a moment before he went back to his thoughts, trying to pull out the words.

“Your cousin,” Doctor Morgan prompted, helping him out a little. “Is this the cousin who was with you when your uncle hurt you?”

Joe bobbed his head obediently. “Yeah.” He grabbed his coffee and took another drink, suddenly dry-mouthed.

“My cousin,” he managed. “He…I don’t know why, but he got fixated, I guess – on me. He decided…he decided that he had to have me. That…that we could….”

Joe wondered if he was sweating, this was very uncomfortable.

“Take it easy, Joe,” Kalana didn’t touch Joe but she leaned forward, a hand outstretched in case he wanted it. Joe grabbed it like it was a lifeline and held on tightly. “Just go slow and easy, like we did in the past. Don’t force it right now.”

Joe forced the air in and out but didn’t release the hand he was holding. She didn’t look as strong as her grip indicated; he wondered just how strong she really was. Doctor Morgan continued to smile pleasantly and encouragingly but she forced nothing.

“He raped me,” he whispered, coming right out with it. “He kidnapped me. He drugged me…he would tie me up or chain me…and he raped me.”

Kalana’s eyes, which Joe watched intently, changed slightly, taking on a hard edge to them that told him clearly what she would do to Andrew should she get her hands on him. Joe remembered something from an earlier session, when they were both just talking and he had asked her if there was something that ever made her mad, because she never acted mad. She said very little made her really mad but the thing that made her the maddest was someone hurting another person – especially someone they were supposed to love. That was the look Joe saw now – her anger that someone who claimed to love Joe hurt him.

“What all are you feeling?” Kalana asked gently as she regarded him casually. She shifted in her seat so she was a little closer, watching Joe but doing nothing to alarm him or make him feel crowded. Her eyes were on him – but it wasn’t like when his family looked at him. There was no pity in her eyes, just sympathy and concern.

All things he could handle.

“I don’t know,” Joe admitted softly, his voice a whisper. “I don’t know what to feel. It keeps changing.”

“So run me through them,” Kalana said.

Joe sighed and pulled his legs up, wrapping his free arm around them defensively.

“Angry,” he confessed. “Upset. Sad. Pissed off. And…”

He sighed, pausing, before he finished.

“I feel like a coward. I feel weak. I feel like nothing is ever going to be the same again. My whole family – well, my family except Frank, I know they don’t mean to, but the way they look at me. It’s all that pity and I want it to go away. I want them to look at me normally. I want them to see me as…as me. Joe. Not Joe who got raped by his cousin.”

Kalana watched him for a moment.

“Have you talked to your family about how you feel?” Kalana asked softly, leaning forward in interest.

Joe shrugged. “I told Frank,” he admitted. “I just…I’ve blown up at Mandy a couple of times already. I made her cry once. I know Mom and Dad are worried and I don’t want to make them worry again. I wish I knew how to say what I want to say, but I don’t know how.”

“Just come right out and say it,” Kalana suggested. “Just tell your family you need to sit down and talk to them and do it. If you can’t do it that way, though, we can have them come here and do it. They should all see someone professional. What happened to you doesn’t affect just you; it affects every member of your family.”

Joe’s eyes widened slightly. “Really?”

“I’d say they’re all hurting right now, aren’t they?” Doctor Morgan asked.

Joe nodded slowly. “I…I guess so. They haven’t said anything to me about it.”

“Of course not,” Doctor Morgan said. “You’re the victim. They agree with that. They won’t say anything to you about it but you’ve seen it, haven’t you?”

Joe chewed on his lower lip thoughtfully and nodded. “Yeah,” he agreed. “I have. Is that why they watch me all the time?”

“Probably why they don’t know what to say to you, too.” The doctor stood and went to crack one of the windows in the corner of the office. “Have you seen that?”

“Sometimes,” Joe said. “But sometimes…I don’t think I welcome them to say anything. I…I don’t like thinking about it, much less talking about it. I just…I want to forget it, and I keep thinking they won’t let me forget it. Mandy was pushing and now we’re…awkward with each other. I’m sorry that I yelled at her, she’s sorry she pushed me, but we don’t know how to get past it. I want to be close to her again, you know? And I know she wants to be close to me. I mean, we’re twins. We’ve always…we’ve always been able to talk, but I just can’t.”

“Why?” Kalana asked softly.

Joe sighed. He hated having to explore his feelings.

“Because,” he said. “I don’t want…I don’t want her to think I’m weak. I’m the big brother. We’re twins but I’m the one that protects her and…I don’t want that to change.”

Kalana merely nodded.

“It’s stupid,” Joe said, hitting his hand on the arm of the sofa. “It’s just all so stupid. I’m so damned angry I want to hurt something!”

Kalana continued to watch him.

“I’m a mess,” Joe said. “I want to go to school and get things back to normal but when I try to go, I get cold sweats and I feel like I’m going to pass out, so I don’t go. I want to…I just want things to be normal…”

Kalana moved closer to him now, putting an arm around his shoulders.

“Things won’t ever be totally normal,” she said softly. “But Joe, you should know something. Your family loves you. You have the strongest support base of any patient I’ve had, and all they want is to help you, to help you get through this.”

Joe nodded.

They talked for the rest of the hour – or rather, Joe talked and Doctor Morgan listened.

“I’m going to want to see you again,” Doctor Morgan said when it was time for Joe to go. “Right now I think we should go twice a week. Do you have the time?”

“Sure,” Joe stood and held out a hand. “Seems I have a lot of it.”

“Just remember what we talked about. Work things out and talk to your family if you can. That’s going to help you, even if you can’t see it right now.”

Joe shook hands with her and smiled softly. “You got it,” he said.

Joe turned to leave and he walked down to his mom’s car, which he had borrowed to drive himself to his appointment.

One hour of the day.

One day at a time.

Just maybe, he thought as he started the car. I can get through this.

Just maybe.

Let the author know what you think of this story

Home Library Authors Rogue's Gallery Vehicles Chums Message Board Rap Sheet Links Contact

Disclaimer

The Hardy Boys belong to Simon and Schuster and the Stratemeyer Foundation. The authors have just borrowed them for an adventure or two. The authors promise to put the boys back when they are done with them. The authors do claim copyright to the original characters in this story. Please do not borrow original characters without express permission of the authors.